Battle of the Sexes
by Charlie's Heroine
Summary: Sawyer and Charlie plan to help each other out with each other's girl problems, but those problems become huge when Kate and Claire discover their plan. Funny and enjoyable for fans of Charlie, Claire, Sawyer, Kate, and Hurley. R&R please!
1. The Deal

**This is a revised version of my story. I think it turned out better than the last. Enjoy and review!**

Battle of the Sexes

**Chapter One: The Deal**

Charlie sat in his hut on the beach daydreaming of his previous life off the island as a rock god, slowly strumming his guitar and staring at an open hole where he could see Claire bent over, doing the laundry by the beach, and wearing a conveniently short skirt, _I wonder if the band is back together…and my family…do they all think I'm dead? I wonder who Claire has watchin' the baby. If only she would bend a little lower to reach that sock,___he thought to himself when a moment later, Sawyer poked his head inside, wearing his large reading glasses and holding a thick worn book in his hand.

"Hey! Well if it ain't Charlie!" he tried to sound friendly and enthusiastic.

Shaking away his wonderful daydreams Charlie came back to reality, "Who else would it be in my own sodding shack, Sawyer?" Charlie asked, disgruntled and annoyed by the sudden intrusion on his dream. He pushed his guitar aside and stepped out of his tent, stretching his cramped muscles.

Sawyer gave Charlie a quick glare but kept his cool and began in a calm voice, "I was jus' wonderin', Kate has been givin' me the silent treatment ever since some petty little argument about something stupid and I, well, I need your help, Charlie," Sawyer gazed down at his book and fiddled with his glasses, nervously. He hated asking for help from someone for two reasons. For one, he always felt like he was degrading himself since he was so independent and liked taking charge of everything. Second, because he knew if he asked something from someone on this damned island he or she would demand some sort of payment in return.

Charlie glanced at Sawyer with a smirk then over to Kate, who appeared to be hiding the irritation, brought upon by Sawyer, by politely helping Claire with the clothes. She didn't seem to notice Charlie and Sawyer talking and neither did Claire. _Sun must have Aaron_, the Brit thought. "All right, I'll help you out, but under two conditions." He waved two fingers in Sawyer's face to taunt him.

After grabbing Charlie's hand and threatening to break it, he sighed, "Fine. What are they?"

"You tell me what happened that has her looking like she's ready to stab someone's eyes out, that someone being you of course…" he snickered, "…and then, I'll need you to do something for me, as well. Shake on it," Charlie held out his hand with the Drive Shaft ring.

"No, not until you tell me what the Hell it is you want me to do for you, first," replied Sawyer. He was growing impatient.

"Fair enough. You have to help me convince Claire to do it with me," Charlie responded casually and looking quite satisfied with himself.

"You want me to _what?_" Sawyer could not believe what he had got himself into.

"You heard me. Claire keeps refusing 'cause she's uncomf'table with her body, now that she's had Aaron. You know how women are," Charlie rolled his eyes.

Sawyer contemplated what he would have to do, then grumbled curses under his breath and shook Charlie's hand roughly.

Little did the two men realize that a large man with large hair had accidently eavesdropped on almost the entire conversation. He had been coming back from the jungle, where he had gone to relieve himself, and headed towards Charlie's tent to see if he was up for a game of gulf. When he heard raised voices he decided not to get involved and wait behind the tent to talk to Charlie. Eavesdropping was not Hurley's intention. He was a peaceful, laidback guy who enjoyed the simple pleasure of friends, but he also had a large mouth.


	2. Discovering The Nasty Truth

**Chapter 2: Discovering the Nasty Truth**

Hurley stumbled over to Charlie and Sawyer, feeling quite anxious about what had had just overheard them plotting and not wanting to let them know. "Uh, hey dudes, anyone up for a game?" He shook the golf club in his hand in the air.

"Not now, tubby, we're busy. Find someone else." Sawyer replied, shooing Hurley with a hand.

"Sorry buddy, but we are kinda busy. Later though, I promise," Charlie reassured him.

"Yeah, okay," Hurley walked back to his tent with his head held low and dropped the golf club. Then he saw Kate and Claire finishing up with the laundry they had been doing all morning. _I gotta tell 'em. Even if Sawyer pummels me or Charlie disowns me as a friend,_ he thought, _I mean, I'd wanna be warned if someone was plotting to find a way to-,_ he halted, not wanting to finish that thought. Then he put on a confident mask over his worried face and marched over to Kate and Claire.

"Hi Hurley," Claire smiled, while hanging up some damp shirts.

"You come to help us, Hurley?" Kate asked.

Hurley searched his mind for the best way to express the plot set against them, "No, I mean, I have something important to tell you guys."

"Oh, what is it?" Claire responded politely, she was in a good mood from having the freedom to walk around without holding a baby for once.

"Well Kate, Sawyer plans on making you forgive him for whatever he said to you," Hurley said.

"Whatever it is it won't work. I'm gonna make sure he suffers for what he did," Kate said sternly, folding her arms

"What did Sawyer say, Kate?" Claire asked, but Kate just shook her head to dismiss the question.

"Claire," Hurley began again, "there's something you have to know too. Charlie," he paused looking for the best way to put it, "He, uh, wants to, um, take the relationship to 'the next level' or you could say…," he bent down to Claire's ear and whispered, "…the 'nasty'."

Claire's happy-go-lucky expression dropped to embarrassment and confusion, "What?

"Charlie wants to have inter-."

"I know what Hurley meant!" Claire fumed at Kate.

"Don't tell them I told you two! They'll exile me from ping-pong, golf, cards-"

"Don't worry Hurley; we'd never do that. We're just glad you warned us of our immature boyfriends," Kate stated.

"Thanks, dude. I'll be chillin' with Jin and Sun if you two need me for anything," Hurley strolled over to Sun and Jin's tent and began making faces at Aaron, who gave him a look as if to say 'WTF?'

Claire looked at Kate then to Charlie and Sawyer who were now intensely rummaging through Sawyer's stash, "So what's our move on this 'Secret Conspiracy of Claire and Kate'?"

Kate smirked Claire, "We're gonna play their little game."

Claire smirked in agreement and they began making plans of their own.


	3. No Secrets

**Chapter 3: No Secrets**

"Ah-hah, found it!" Sawyer removed from his secret stash lingerie he had found amongst the plane wreckage in a pink suitcase, probably Shannon's. He handed the clothing to Charlie, "You show Claire this and just ramble on about how she has a nice body and shouldn't be afraid to show it off to you."

Charlie reluctantly took the clothing, "I hope I don't offend her with this. You're sure this'll work Sawyer?"

"Work? Course it'll work! Have I ever lied to you, Charlie Brown?"

"Well, there was that time where-"

"Uh-uh," Sawyer cut him off, "No need to thank me now, small fry. You wait 'till you give Claire that little present. Then you can thank me all ya like. But, now you have to help-"

This time Charlie cut him off, "Not so fast, Texas ranger._ You_ have to tell me what you said to Kate," he crossed his arms and grinned, looking quite pleased with himself for making a comeback to Sawyer's sass.

Sawyer groaned, "Alright, fine. Wipe that smirk off your face before I do it for ya." Charlie frowned, looking a little defeated. "So me and Kate were conversin' 'bout this here book I was reading." He held the book up for Charlie to see. It read in big golden letters King Kong. Charlie had to fight back a chuckle. He found it ironic that a man like Sawyer enjoyed reading so much; so much that he was willing to read whatever he found on this bloody island. "So I was explaining to Kate how I think the book teaches us that men are superior to women in pretty much everything because it's about a damsel in distress and this gigantic gorilla saves her from dinosaurs. Then she's got a man trying to save her from the gorilla. Strangest book I've ever read, but basically, all the girl does is scream her head off. Kate asked if I believed this and I said I mostly do. Now, I say mostly 'cause women sure can clean better than us, right Charlie?" The two men looked at Claire and Kate. They had finished the laundry and were now intensely discussing something. As to what the something was, Sawyer didn't care, nor did Charlie. They knew they would win their girls back no matter what they sprung on them.

"Well, you're right 'bout one thing. They _can_ clean better, but I don't think we're better at everything else than them. Claire _is_ smart and Kate has shown us how strong she is."

"For a woman she's strong but I've pinned Freckles down loads 'a times."

Charlie shrugged, "So that's it then? She's angry 'cause you're a bloody sexist. Seems reasonable to me."

"Hey, hold on now. I don't care what the Hell you think. I lived up to my part of the bargain. Now it's your turn." Sawyer roughly poked Charlie in the chest with his index finger.

"Fine. I'll tell you how to get Kate back." Charlie paused dramatically, taking in this small moment of glory, "Apologize."

"You can't be serious. That's it? You gotta give me something better than _that,_" Apologizing to Kate was the last thing he wanted to do. He wanted to make Kate see the light, understand that he _was_ stronger than her.

"You never gave the details on _how_ I would help you," Charlie grinned, knowing Sawyer did not want to apologize.

"Why you little-!" Sawyer's hands were gripping Charlie's throat and lifting him slightly in the air, when he noticed something, "They're gone! Kate and Claire!" He looked around but they were nowhere to be seen.

Amidst Charlie's cries for help, he managed a weak, "What?!" and kicked Sawyer in the knee.

Sawyer dropped him, ignoring the kick, and still looking around the beach, "Let's ask Sun if she's seen 'em." They turned toward Sun and Jin's tent when everything went black and they fell to the ground.

Claire stood above Charlie holding a can of Dharma spam in her hands and Kate stood above Sawyer holding a now-dented can of Dharma sardines.

"Hurry, grab the rope!" Kate ordered to Claire. They tied Sawyer's and Charlie's legs and wrists together and each girl dragged her man proudly into Kate's tent with devilish grins on their faces. Sawyer and Charlie were propped up against each other's back to keep them up right. Kate splashed a bucket of ice cold sea water on their faces, waking them instantly. They tried to move their limbs but failed. Then they gazed up at their captors: an angry, self-conscious new mother from the down-under and an angry, head-strong American fugitive.

_What great villains they would make. Even Superman would have a hard time with these two_, Charlie wondered, despite his predicament.

Claire was the first to speak, "We know what you both have been up to. We overheard your little plan to win Kate over and to have-," her face turned red and she looked down at her feet nervously.

"How'd you do that? We saw you doin' laundry," Sawyer was skeptical.

"Girls are the weaker sex, huh?" Charlie mocked Sawyer.

"You shut up!"

Kate groaned and shook her head.

"Charlie, you've no room to talk," Claire held up the lingerie she had taken from Charlie while he was out cold.

"I-I-it's not what it looks like Claire! It's Sawyer's!"

Sawyer laughed, "Now don't you go blamin' this on me! You were gonna give it to Claire," Sawyer smiled his crooked smile as Charlie shamefully shifted in his spot.

"So what should we do to them, Claire? I've got all of Jacks medical equipment right here. There are all types of sharp implements," she removed a scalpel from its box and held it up, making the blade gleam in a strand of light that protruded into the tent. Charlie and Sawyer gulped and tried desperately to get loose, causing them both to fall over on their sides. Half of their faces were sheeted in sand and they gave up. Claire giggled.

Charlie sounded like a broken record with his chorus of, "I'm so sorry Claire! Don't hurt me! Don't cut off my body parts! I'm so sorry...!"

Sawyer tried to stay calm, cool, and reasonable, while speaking over Charlie's pleas, "Now ladies, let's be civilized Homo sapiens. No need for all this."

A shadow loomed inside the tent from outside, followed by an obnoxiously curly head, "Hey, dudes, I thought I heard shouting. Is everything-Oh my God!" he looked from his tied up friends to the girls, "What the hell's going on, dudes!?"

"Oh, Hurley! Help us! They're bloody nutters!" Charlie directed his pleas to Hurley.

"Don't do it Hurley," Kate glared at him.

Hurley grabbed his curls and shook his head rapidly, "I never meant for this to happen. What have I done?"

"What are ya talkin' bout, Chris Cringle?" Sawyer asked while contemplating a way to grab the scalpel out of Kate's lethal hand.

Hurley sighed, "I overheard you guys talking and I didn't like what I heard. Charlie's plan is what scared me actually. Sorry, dude. Sorry, Sawyer."

Sawyer and Charlie looked betrayed and said nothing.

"Sun told me why you were angry, Kate. There're no secrets on the island, ya know? So since I started this mess I've got an idea on how to end it," He tried to look hopeful at all the disgruntled faces glaring at him, "We'll hold a series of competitions testing the strength of Charlie and Sawyer verses Kate and Claire and I'll be the ref. Whoever wins proves they are the stronger sex and the losers have to serve them for one week. So what do you say?"

Claire untied Charlie and Kate untied Sawyer. They stood up and the two teams stared each other down, smirking at the idea of being victorious and said in unison, "Agreed."


	4. Coin of Fate

**Chapter 4: Coin of Fate**

The coin shinned bright in the sun's rays as it flipped airborne and landed into Hurley's palm. He flipped it over onto his wrist.

"Heads," He called.

"Yes!" Claire exclaimed as she and Kate high-fived each other, "We get to choose the first challenge."

Charlie and Sawyer groaned.

The girls huddled close to each other like a football team planning their next move, Kate said, "For this challenge one of you has to outlive the timer."

"Doin' what, Freckles?" Sawyer asked impatiently.

Claire spoke with a wide grin, "Since I choose heads Kate's letting me choose the victim: Charlie," she snickered as Charlie gulped, "Charlie has to stay on a polar bear's back for two minutes without falling off or getting eaten."

"But that's impossible!" Charlie rebutted.

"The rules say we can name any challenge. And that's our challenge," Kate stated casually.

As everyone began to follow Charlie into the jungle to find a bear Hurley handed him his lucky rabbit's foot, "Good luck, dude."

A half hour had past when they found a polar bear drinking by the now-abandoned caves. They huddled in the bushes.

"I've got the timer," Hurley whispered, "Two minutes. You can do it, Charlie."

"Yeah, show that giant teddy bear what yer made of Bungalow Bill," Sawyer slowly pushed the shaking Charlie into the clearing, a few yards from the stooping teddy bear…with razor-sharp teeth .

Charlie cautiously approached from behind, trying not to breathe too loudly and squeezing the luck out of the rabbit's foot in his sweaty hand. The bear seemed to smell the fear emanating from Charlie when he started to sniff the air. Before the chance to turn around and see Charlie, Charlie leaped onto his back shouting, "Yee-haw!"

Charlie held on for dear life as the bear tossed and turned trying to throw him off like a mad bull. Hurley held the stop watch, counting the seconds quietly. Claire and Kate were rolling on the ground laughing at the ridiculous sight.

"Yahoo! That's my bear wrangler!" Sawyer called, applauding him.

"Two minutes! It's been two minutes Charlie! Get off that thing! It's foaming at the mouth!" Hurley shouted waving to Charlie from the bushes.

Charlie continued to cling on to the bear's neck, "I'm too sc-scared! H-help meeee!"

Claire and Kate were now hysterically laughing.

_These girls have the blackest hearts I've ever seen_, Sawyer thought. He had an idea.

"Here bear, take this!" He picked up Kate and threw her in front of the bear, _That should distract him…and stop her carryin' on_.

The bear lunged at Kate who began running deeper into the jungle as the bear hungrily followed, "Sawyer when I survive this I swear!"

"That's _if_ you survive," the cocky Sawyer responded, "Hop off Charlie!"

Charlie let go of the bear and fell to the soft jungle floor.

"Kate!" Hurley and Claire shouted. They ran passed Charlie, without a glance, to rescue Kate. Charlie lay on the ground dizzy; he could see tiny Aarons swirling in circles around his head.

Sawyer hoisted him on his feet, "We won round one," He grinned devilishly.

"So we did," was all Charlie could manage. His eyes were searching for the real Sawyer amongst the clones his mind was seeing.

Sawyer sighed, "I s'pose we ought'a help rescue Kate though." He grabbed the disoriented Charlie by the wrist and drug him into the jungle, following the wide trail left by Hurley.


	5. At Peace

**Chapter 5: At Peace**

They had been following Hurley's trail for about 12 minutes now. Charlie had come to his senses and Sawyer had grown worried, "We should'a ran into them by now."

At the end of Sawyer's last word they stumbled upon a wide clearing where a body lay limp on ground.

Charlie knelt down and turned the face of the body towards him, "Sawyer, I'm sorry."

"What do ya mean yer sor-," once he got a better look at the face he realized it was Kate. He dropped dramatically on his knees beside her and cried to the heavens, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Then out from the bushes emerged Hurley.

"Hey dudes. Charlie what's with Sawyer, man?" Hurley raised an eyebrow at Sawyer.

"Hurley, Kate's dead. Look," Charlie pointed to the body Sawyer was raining his tears on.

"Um, actually she's right here," Hurley explained when Claire came into view, dragging a weak Kate with her, "That's a bunch of Dharma potato sacks filled with guava fruit and stringed together made to look like Kate. Claire used it to distract the bear."

Claire grinned proudly.

Sawyer abruptly stopped crying and looked closely at the potato sacks, "Uh, so it is! I knew that. I'm just allergic to guava. That's all," He stood up and quickly wiped his teas with his shirt.

"Sawyer, you're such a terrible liar when it involves your emotions," Kate rolled her eyes.

"Shut up! Are not!" Sawyer shot back.

"Are too!" retorted Kate.

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

Claire had enough, "Quiet!"

"You're a bloody dunce Sawyer. Now let's get back to our game," said Charlie.

"You thought it was Kate too!" Sawyer fumed.

"No, I just wanted to see your reaction if it really were her."

"Well I think you're all dunces. Charlie, you've proven guys can be tough and Sawyer, you've proven they can weak. Kate, you've proven girls can also be weaklings, but Claire's proven they can be strong too. Why not call it a tie?" Hurley looked at their faces with pleading eyes.

The four stared at each other, neither one wanting to back down first. A few minutes passed, they were still staring, very intensely too. Steam was rising from Sawyer's shaggy head and the bleach from Charlie's hair was draining, until finally, "Fine, a draw," Sawyer admitted. Charlie nodded.

"Yeah, fine," Claire and Kate declared in unison.

"Yes!" Hurley threw a fist in the air, "Gulf time! Just like you promised, right Charlie?"

Charlie sighed, "I suppose so."

Back at the beach, Sawyer delivered his most sincere apology to Kate. "I'm sorry Freckles. Girls and guys are equals and I can live with that. Forgive me?" He stared at Kate with big puppy-dog eyes through the strands of his long bangs.

Kate tried to force back a grin but it was futile with his overbearing hotness staring her down. "I forgive you, James." She put her arms around his neck and lowered him for a kiss. They walked back to Sawyer's tent together, hand in hand, where Kate mended his crooked glasses as he rambled about another book he finished called, _Where the Wild Things Are._

Charlie and Claire got Aaron from Sun and sat down together where they got a nice view of the sunset, and Hurley gathered the gulfing equipment and more players for a night of gulfing.


End file.
